Aug

Forty Days of Dating: A Relationship Experiment

by Sheron Long on August 1, 2013

Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodman gain perspective in a relationship experiment.

Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodman face up to issues in a relationship experiment.
© Osvaldo Ponton

Come Face-to-Face and Gain Perspective

Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodman had a creative idea. Date for 40 days (long enough to break bad habits) and work on issues that had gotten in the way of prior relationships.

Friends for four years, Jessica and Tim are designers in NYC, people who take creative risks and enjoy collaborative projects. They have a lot in common, but—

Jessica loves the thrill of healthy, romantic relationships, falls into them perhaps too quickly, and is looking for “the one.”

Tim loves the thrill of the chase (often dating several girls at once), has trouble committing, and sometimes leaves relationships for trivial reasons.

With these opposite perspectives, Forty Days of Dating is a relationship experiment with potential for explosive results. Will the friends damage their friendship? Will they fall madly in love? Will they gain perspective?

Typographic art helps participants gain perspective in a relationship experiment

“Embrace uncertainty,” good watchwords for a relationship experiment
© Anisa Suthayalai

Getting Starting

For the experiment, Jessica and Tim set rules, such as seeing each other every day, visiting a couple’s therapist weekly, and filling out a daily questionnaire privately and with candor.

The 40 days occurred last spring, and now from July 10–August 16, 2013, daily posts chronicle the developments. Typographic art from friends captures the essence of each day, staring with Day 1:

Day 1 for Tim after a date the night before
© Roanne Adams / Roandco

Day 1 for Jessica: When an opportunity seems scary, I must take it.
© Keetra Dean Dixon

Insights Galore

Now, more than half-way through the project, the couple’s daily reflections offer a treasure trove of “Oh, I see” moments. Here are but a few:

1. On the Role of Exes—

On Day 5, Jessica and Tim engaged in “art therapy,” making word pictures about past relationships while they shared ginger cookies and egg pastries. When Jessica moved her exes out of her head, she found it “surprisingly therapeutic.”

Jessica gets an ex out of her head and onto paper.
© Jessica Walsh

Tim drew his dating history of 65 girlfriends and observed, “There’s something liberating about airing my dirty laundry.”

With 65 on his dating list, it must have taken time for Tim to air his dirty laundry!
© Kate Moross

2. On Why People Fall Too Fast—

A visit to a couple’s therapist on Day 8 gives insight on Jessica’s issue. Looking at the portraits of her exes, it’s easy to see that she jumps into relationships. The therapist explains and Tim, at least, has an aha moment: Jessica gets serious so fast because she dislikes the discomfort or awkwardness in the beginning of a relationship.

3. On Avoiding Attachment—

On Day 11, Tim gets crabby and starts pointing out Jessica’s quirks and weaknesses. She recognizes Tim’s behavior as a way to protect himself from getting too attached.

Jessica Walsh gains perspective in a relationship experiment

Jessica Walsh
© Forty Days of Dating

On Day 13, Jessica explains:

“As soon as he starts seeing a girl, especially a girl he really likes, he’ll focus on bizarre things about her that bother him.

“These things are meaningless in terms of a relationship, but he claims they are deal breakers.

“A few months ago he dated a great girl who seemed to have it all, but he decided he should end things because he didn’t like her shoes. Seriously.

“The next girl he said he liked hooked up with him too soon. The next girl he dated was amazing but she didn’t like her career as much as he likes his.”

The attachment issues led to the first fight, and soon the couple had to—

Not even two weeks into the relationship, things began to change.
© Sabine Dowek

4. On the Fear of Commitment—

Jessica reports mixed signals from Tim: “He’s both interested and scared to become intimate, yet he’s still being flirtatious and showing signs of wanting more.”

She starts asking more from the relationship. What does that feel like to Tim? He speaks honestly:

Timothy Goodman gains perspective in a relationship experiment

Timothy Goodman
© Forty Days of Dating

“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells a bit.” (Day 12)

“Yes, I am interested in more, but it just feels too risky.” (Day 13)

“I feel a lot of pressure from Jessie. I like a bit of uncertainty, and I like living in the questions. I don’t like having to live up to some idea, or to fulfill some expectation, though. I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it. The whole situation is making me feel very unsettled, and she wonders why I’m being so wishy-washy.” (Day 14)

The pressure Tim feels leads to the wishy-washiness that confuses Jessica, and that confusion prompts the questions that feel like pressure to Tim. Ah, it’s a circle all about commitment. What’s missing?

What do the missing letters spell?
© Leland Maschmeyer

5. On Not Giving Up—

As in all relationships, things get really tense. On Day 15, Jessica decides to quit the project, but returns. On Day 23, Tim has had it:

“I’ve never felt more like a mouse in a cage being tested on against my will. I feel grimy. I feel very uncomfortable. I feel emotional.”

And Jessica is deflated.

What gets them through it? Intense communication and this realization:

Full hearts and broken hearts happen as relationships go ’round.
© Sharon Hwang

What’s Next?

By Day 24, Tim has decided to give the relationship a go. Jessica has decided to let go of her expectations. They have sex. It’s 15 days from today to the end of the relationship experiment. Find more of their candid “Oh, I see” moments at 40 Days of Dating, and gain perspective for yourself, too.

Jessica is a partner at Sagmeister & Walsh, and Timothy runs his own design studio.

Comment on this post below, or inspire insight with your own OIC Moment here.

Sheron Long Comments

Secrets to Life

Jun

All the World’s Got Gamification

by Janine Boylan on June 10, 2013

Checking points and rewards is easy with a smart phone.
© Thinkstock

An Observation About Life

It was a Saturday like any other.

I started my day with a walk. I turned on my fitness app to record how far and how fast my journey was. My walk earned me fifteen fitness points.
I opened my food app to scan my cereal bar code and enter my breakfast food data. Not a bad calorie count to begin the day. The app shared that I had 1900 calories left to spend.
I loaded my grocery store app with all the exclusive “Just for You” specials and headed to the store. At checkout, my receipt showed that I earned a 15% savings because of my special coupons.
Plus, through my reward card, my food purchases earned me forty-five gas reward points. Added to the fifty-five points I had already earned, I now qualified for a discount at the gas station.
At the gas station, I punched in my grocery store reward card number and redeemed the points I had earned, saving twenty cents a gallon.
As I drove to the mall, I watched my gas consumption on the car dashboard display. I strategically stepped off the gas pedal several times and coasted to try to beat my previous record.

And then, I had an Oh, I see observation about life. My day so far had been full of points, rewards, and earnings. I am living a video game!

gas station rewards, showing gamification, an observation about life

Yes! I earned a reward!
© Janine Boylan

The Name of the Game

Many companies use game-like programs to motivate employees or customers, such as group incentives to lose weight or energy consumption reports that encourage us to compare and compete with friends and neighbors over energy savings.

The concept of using game strategies to engage an audience has been around for a while. Recently this marketing strategy has earned a name: gamification.

Author and entrepreneur Gabe Zichermann clarifies that gamification “is taking the best ideas from games, loyalty programs, and behavioral economics and putting them together and using them to create engagement over the long haul.” You can see Zichermann speak in greater depth on gamification during this TED talk.

The Facts Behind These Games

Is it OK that our lives are becoming one big video game?

Game designer Jane McGonigal argues that it is. In a Wall Street Journal article, McGonigal says video games give us four things that we need for a happy life:

satisfying work
real hope for success
strong social connections
the chance to be part of something bigger than ourselves.

Playing a handheld game, illustrating gamification, an observation about life

Games connect us, even when we’re alone.
© Thinkstock

More and more reports are showing the positive effects of video games.

Fredric Wolinsky and his Iowa colleagues published a report showing that playing video games improved a group of seniors’ cognitive processing skills over their counterparts who did not play the game.
Linda Jackson and team discovered that the more middle-school kids played video games, the more creative they were.
Paul J. C. Adachi and Teena Willoughby’s study shows that video games build “(1) intrinsic motivation, (2) concentration and cognitive effort, and (3) cumulative effort over time to achieve a goal.”

I’m Game

The fact is that gamification works. It makes the mundane more fun. Going to the grocery store, filling my tank with gas, or driving from errand to errand were never high on my list of fun things to do, but making a game of these activities has made them more appealing and, yes, rewarding.

So, my observation about life (with apologies to Shakespeare):

All the world’s a game,

And all the men and women merely players;

We have our points and our reward cards,

And one man in his time has many user names. . .

Comment on this post below, or inspire insight with your own OIC Moment here.

Janine Boylan 4 Comments

Innovations/Secrets to Life

May

Crossing Cultures: To France with a Sheltie

by Sheron Long on May 16, 2013

A Sheltie in the markets of Provence prompts aha moments while crossing cultures

Aha Moments in the Markets of Provence

Our Sheltie, Chula Wula D’Augue, has never been inside a grocery store in her home state of California. She’s not allowed on the grounds that dogs and food do not mix.

But every year when we take her with us to France, the cultural differences work in her favor. Crossing cultures means she can stay in hotels, from simple to chic, and go with us to restaurants, where the kind waiters bring her water and sometimes an amuse-bouche.

And she can make her favorite foray into the big outdoor food markets where dogs and food DO mix. Here in villages across Provence amid the chatter of buying and selling and the tasting of everything from cheese to paella, is where Chula and I have one aha moment after another.

In fact, I’m pretty sure of this one revelation:

Everything I need to know about life I’ve learned from my dog in the markets of Provence .

After crossing cultures to France, a Sheltie steps out her gate and heads to the markets of Provence.

Such as, you ask? Here are my top 6.

1. Follow Your Passion

In our village of Saint-Rémy-de-Provence, we live only a short block from the market. From the time we step out of our gate, Chula strains at the leash, trotting left then right then left again to the sausage table by the centuries old church. She knows the way because, you see, sausage is her passion.

After crossing cultures to France, a Sheltie finds tasty morsels under the sausage table in the markets of Provence.

And Oh, I see too: Once you find your passion, go for it. The reward is immense.

2. Respect Everyone

Chula looked down her long Sheltie snout into the flat face of this Boxer and said, “Bonjour!” With his short fur, he must have wondered how Chula stood the heat of a Provençal summer. But they found common ground here by the flower stand and shared their secrets on which vendors give treats to canine friends.

After crossing cultures to France, an American Sheltie bridges cultural differences and makes friends with a French Boxer in the markets of Provence.

Oh, I see. Bridging differences can enrich your life.

3. Sniff Out Opportunities

Not much gets by Chula. Like other dogs with long, wide snouts, she has about 225 million scent receptors. Compare that to the human who has 5 million, and you get a sense of her talented nose, which she uses to interpret her world.

This day, Chula sensed an opportunity and stuck her neck out. She didn’t get the roast chicken inside the sack, but she did get a great scratch and those welcome words joli chien (pretty dog). Befitting words, too, since her name Chula means “pretty” in Spanish.

After crossing cultures, a Sheltie sniffs out food in the markets of Provence and provides an aha moment.

Oh, I see when you know your talents and put them to work, unexpected good comes your way.

4. Own Up to Your Mistakes

No matter how talented, every dog comes a-cropper from time to time. Chula’s downfall is tomatoes. She loves to steal them out of kitchen gardens, from market crates, off plates left unattended. When she lifted a tomato from this vendor and got caught, she looked up at him with soulful eyes and pledged a reparation. I handed over a euro, and knew she’d do it all over again.

After crossing cultures to France, a Sheltie steals a tomato in the markets of Provence and has an aha moment.

Oh, I see. It’s one thing to say you’re sorry and another to mean it.

5. Live Life with Friends

Chula knows the value of friendship. Good friends help each other put their best paw forward, they watch each other’s back, and they show each other the way. On this sunny market day, two dog friends savored the moment, trotting through the crowd on their way to the paella skillets.

After crossing cultures to France, a Sheltie strolls through the markets of Provence and has an aha moment.

Oh, I see. Time with friends puts a smile on your face.

6. Keep an Open Heart

Chula paused in front of the lovely linens on sale at every market in Provence, perhaps to show that she thinks about things other than food. I like to think she was making a statement about her love of France, her joie de vivre at living life in a different culture, the pleasure of the time away with us.

After crossing cultures to France, a Sheltie admires the linens in the markets of Provence.

Who can ever know for sure what a dog is thinking, whether at home or crossing cultures? But no one can doubt the shared love and adventures that transpire when you keep an open heart. Oh, I see!

Visit AngloINFO Provence for a schedule of market days in the different villages.

Sheron Long and Chula Wula D’Augue are authors of Dog Trots Globe—To Paris and Provence, a visual account of their adventures through France, including a chapter and video on the markets of Provence. Chula shares her dog’s-eye view of Provence in these postcards, which she offers to you as a free gift.

Sheron Long 4 Comments

Crossing Cultures/France/Secrets to Life

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